Light Switch

It may not be a "glory" part, but it is a necessary part.

Information distribution network and user Console

The efficient flow of information is vital, and absolutely central to the proper functioning of a vessel. If you are some elitist, spoiled, Richie-Rich type, you can have a screen or something as your interface, or even electrodes in your central nervous system to speed up the perception and incorporation of inputs and outputs. But for most people, a series of bells and whistles pretty much tells you all you need to know.

Di-Lithium Masticator fuel injection system

Ultra-modern and in really good condition. There are n-to-the-seventh-power different combinations of gear ratios to fine tune the torque and energy delivered to the actual masticators. We haven't tried yet, but probably such flexibility would come in super handy in the manufacture of recreational beverages...oh, never mind. Forget it.

SchitzoBot Emoticon Grin / Grimace Droid

Like this it is a happy bucktoothed grinning grasshopper face. Joy prevails!

But uh-oh! Now it is making a grim goat grimace! Stand clear!

Pressure Wave Percussion Thumper - for war or peace.

In war time this vintage percussion thumper will send shockwaves of rippling energy and matter - even through a vacuum - that you can focus right on your enemy's hull. Also you can thump your foe's resolve, percuss their sense of what exactly they are trying to accomplish. In peace time you can rig it up to your deep space tofu manufacturing machines, to thump the loaves into shape.

Secure on-board vitriol tinted brig / dungeon

This compartmentalized dungeon can be easily bolted onto the chassis of any ship. The interior is painted dodger blue. Want to know why? Because dodger blue is scientifically proven to be the most disgusting and demoralizing color known in the glaxy. You want prisoners in your brig to suffer as much as possible, so why not expose them to the color of true misery?

You know, if there were two space freighters with crippled engines helplessly hurtling toward a black hole, and you could only save one of them, and one of the space freighters had on board the only surviving members of a fierce army of angry sentient multi-cellular Arcturian influenza macro-viruses intent on colonizing the innards of every civilized life form in the galaxy and using their paralyzed corpses as food for their incubating viral larvae as they hatch ravenous and slavering into the world seeking immediately to shed innocent blood, sow misery and discord, and perpetuate their evil nihilistic mission of pillage, enslavement and destruction of everything that is good and holy in the universe – and on the OTHER space freighter was the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball team, I swear to god I would save the nihilistic macro virus soldiers first. There is no scum in the known universe more hateful and fetid than that tacky bunch of no-class, trailer-trashy, inbred, clueless, amoral, ugly, fashion disaster, prissy, ass-clown, tossers festooned in the nastiest, stupidest shade of blue imaginable that they call the Los Angeles Dodgers. Have fun in the black hole you useless tarts!

Travelling "Preacherbot™" Ordained Ceremony Performing Rocket Robot

You can't "buy" this, but you can reserve its services, and it will fly across the galaxy to wherever you require the services of someone or something who can perform legal and religious ceremonies like weddings, baptisms, or confirmations. The thundering flaming rockets make an excellent pyrotechnic display to add drama to your service, and the awe inspiring deep booming (only slightly electronic) voice will shake your ribcage (or gelatinous matrix) and stir your spirit to do mighty great deeds. Pre-programmed for over 7,000 known galactic religions and secular belief systems.

Neutron Flushing Particle Beam Accelerator Turbine

These things break all the time, so you had best keep a few spares on board. Ours are more durable than the usual junk you get, and the neutrons you flush can help to clean out the minstrel's quarters too, all part of the drive for greater overall efficiency.

If it's broke, fix it! - Space Gimlet contraption

So your onboard space gimlet mixer doesn't work that well at all. In fact, you just about go broke and experience kidney failure whenever you try to use it while some jackass in the next star system gets rich and also files a frivolous lawsuit. do you get all indignant and quasi-religious in an ill-defined sort of way without even being sure why you're upset when someone proposes fixing it? No, of course not! In our local Zubenelgenubian dialect we have an expression for such people: We call them "stupid assholes." If it doesn't work, fix it, don't just loolygag around getting screwed by the status quo! Buy this expert Space Gimlet mixing contraption.

What? Don't read too much into our advertisement, we are only talking about Space Gimlet mixers. Not everything has some hidden subtext or metaphor in it.

Self Contained Colonial Biosphere Megacity

Let's say your intergalactic business travels take you to some god-forsaken, near-absolute-zero- freezing-cold, radioactive, abandoned rock floating in space that for reasons of your own you would like to have some employees stationed at. Well NOW you CAN! With our new biosphere colony megacity kit, you can station up to 5 million employee colonists on the planet or asteroid of your choice, and let them spread civilization and enlightenment to the far reaches of the universe in the process. Finding colonists these days is easy because most god forsaken, subzero freezing, radioactive rocks offer better healthcare systems than the home planet anyways. Our patented bio-engineered algae cultures are included, which were engineered based on the genes of health insurance industry executives that help them squeeze blood from a rock. Thus the slime cells needed very little tinkering to allow them to transform distant starlight and/or radiation into delicious, nutritious food and oxygen and even golf vacations and fiber for clothing.

Bunkers for Clunkers: Recycled Starfleet Maitenance docking bay

Imagine easing your space hotrod into this majestic, awe-inspiring, dizzying, soaring, spacious, spaceport where the likes of the SS Enterprise used to limp in for repairs. Comes with nice modern cargo cranes and nice bright lighting, and some modest dimensional compression so you can put it in your backpack and carry it around until you need it.

Overhand Wingnut Kerfleuffle Insert

This will align your kerfleuflle and integrate your wingnut platform.

Intimidating Prosthetic Hand

Lots of space sailors, when they lose a hand, claw, or tentacle in active combat, like to rig up a hook or something in place of the lost hand, claw or tentacle. Why not consider rigging yourself up with this multi-use gadget if you lose an appendage? You can strike fear in the hearts of enemy crew as you (completely legally) board them and seize their cargo like a latter day Captain Hook. Except in this case you would be more like "Captain Masticator," or something like that. Also: It mixes up a sloe gin fizz quite thoroughly. You can use coconut milk as the bar lubricant for nice results.

Social Networking Site

Although we are really, really serious merchants and technicians, we also are extremely "hip" and "with it", and we know all about the "cool" and "groovy" "lingo" that the kids these days are talking about. For example, we know that cool people these days are into "social networking", and we totally know what this type of thing is. Thus, check out our new social networking site. Somehow, using our network, you should be able to "socialize" with people while sitting all alone hunched over the fuse-like glow of your main computer console. You can "text" and "blog" with people you used to hate in high school, re-establish contact with former girlfriends/boyfriends/glogfriends/uxiberfriends so that your current romantic partner will probably begin asking awkward questions. Said former enemies and love interests can know what you are cooking for dinner, what book you just read, and whether or not you recently sneezed. And occasionally you can have a lot of fun by exercising very bad judgement and posting pictures, phrases, and opinions that will harm your future career. Whoever collects the most "friends" gets the most points and is therefore the most "far out" and "cool." Believe us when we give our expert opinion that this type of thing is truly "gnarly" and "awesome", and even "sick." Sick in the good way, we mean. We are "the excrement". Try to keep up with our cutting edge street slang.

Projectile guidance pipe w/ polymerized adhesive stripping

You may not know this, but a pipe can guide a small piece of metal in the general direction you want it to go if you make a small explosion in the other end of the pipe. Not quite as accurate or powerful as a laser weapon, but on the other hand, through some apparently massive oversight on the part of the galactic government, any idiot off the street can just go buy an explosive projectile guidance pipe and carry it around. Believe it or not! People consider it a basic right. In fact possessing one wins you virtuous brownie points in some religious systems. And while I'd hate to profit by selling potentially lethal explosive projectile guidance pipes to Gixrundian terrorists or mind juice cartels, or Vulcan invasion force scouts, or criminally insane robots, who am I to interfere with basic rights? All you have to do is bring 299 up-credits and pass a 10 milisecond background check. Also did you know that if the handle of your explosive projectile guidance pipe sort of falls off you can wrap it up with this nifty black polymerized adhesive stripping? Both functional and stylish.

Mega-Fuse

A plasma current run through Xenon gas kept at absolute zero degrees creates a sickening, flickering glow that gives anyone in the universe a headache, but it makes a great fuse.

Dimension Folding Guidepost Grid

As we all learn in the standard kindergarten curriculum introduced under the "no zwerpling left behind" initiative, each dimension is simply a folded iteration of the previous dimension. So in flatland, a two dimensional creature would see a three dimensional creature simply as an especially perplexing cross section that seems to appear and shift and morph in disturbing ways. Likewise, to those of you trapped in only 3 dimensions, you usually get accused of witchcraft or insanity when you notice some 4 dimensional (or higher) beings passing through our plane in ways you can only partially comprehend. In fact the ancient classical poet Vonnegut described three dimensional beings' ignorance of even the fourth dimension to those of us on a higher plane by saying they are like creatures strapped in a railroad car with a big harness on their face holding a big long pipe, so that all they can see is the tiny view of the world through the straight ahead pipe as the train rolls forward (whatever the heck a "train" is anyways). That is hard to imagine how limiting that would be, but that is the sad little world three dimensional life forms live in - they seem to think the past and the future are separate things, the poor souls. And even four dimensional beings are completely unable to comprehend alternate universes that are standard for beings accustumed to the higher dimensions. Anyways, with our revolutionary dimension folding grid, you can visit your friends who are trapped in four, three or even two dimensions. It can be kind of like a "staycation" in these tough economic times. Pop over to the 7th dimension for a while, see the sights, then come home. It comes with handy guideposts so you can find your way back without getting warped, squished, or driven insane as you fold and iterate yourself through the dimensions. Because that would be lousy if you got stuck in the 2nd dimension. For example your kidneys probably wouldn't even work if they had length and width but were completely without thickness? Likewise if you are only familiar with 4 or 5 dimensions, the 9th and 10th might really blow your mind to such an extent that...well, best not to think about such things.

Something Awesome

We still can't fathom what purpose this alien relic might have served, but you must admit, it is totally awesome. It can be yours for a mere 27 New Unit Tetra-fleebles. It must be useful for something, and if not, it kind of makes a chic industrial artistic installment.

Humorously Primitive, unnescessarily laborious force field generator

You may want to "go retro" and crank your own force field up, or you may just want an antique reminder about how much easier life is nowadays. Whatever your reason, this is the best option among all the unnecissarily laborious generators on the market. It is popular among neo-neo-neo luddites, anarchists, survivalists, fitness buffs, denizens of the outer reaches who modern technology has not yet reached, and those moved by religion to mortify the flesh. It's kind of decorative, and probably would make an adequate paperweight.

Mainline motherboard substation switchbox

The casing of this switchbox is TOTALLY radiation proof. Or it was at one time, anyway. The few small holes and cracks can be plugged with chewing gum and it should be good to go. Capable of 21 nanofliks per microsecond.

Best Cocktail Blender of All Time!!! -- With Expert Endorsements!!!

Here it is, ladies, gentlemen, and Zgrups: The finest in a long line of fine cocktail blenders. And as you know we have offered quite a few. However we are willing to declare this the best one EVER. A complex series of circuits and sensors tests and monitors and adjusts the flow of mixers, testing the pH, toxicity, smoothness, tasteability, polysaccharide content, and overall awesomeness of each drink, and dispenses it into your receptacle of choice with or without a little umbrella, as you prefer. It comes with over 10 billion preprogrammed recipes for the best known cocktails of the galaxy, but feel free to invent your own drinks! We asked some of the galaxy's best known experts on cocktails to review this item - they all loved it! Here are some exerpts of what these experts had to say:

"Blimey, we've glugged our share of cocktails over the past couple of aeons, but the heavenly nectar from Moppo's Model A cocktail mixer made our hair stand on end in some kind of funny rooster hairdo!!"

--Ron and Rod, Corporate CEO's, Betelguese System.

"My apolgiesh, Mishter Moppo, itsh brilliant! Ash you know I like shaken, not shtirred, and your ingenioush blender cooked me up a doozie! I've been knocked for six!

-Jimmy. Intergalactic Gambler, man of mystery, and Alpha Centaurian Embassy Attache.

"Splendid. A tour de force. Quality item. I had one installed in my bathroom."

-Don, Plumber, Crab Nebula

"I always mix me up a good 'un from Moppo's blenderizer before I get behind the wheel, or make a major deciderism."
G.W., Hyperspace Starcruiser Pilot (volunteer corps), Forest Moon of Endor

"Moppo's super-blender is a brief, grisly, crow-black, star-stacked, alcoholic insult to the central nervous system and I adore it. Rage, rage, against anything less than the best!"

Dylan - Poet, Sirius 35

"Extremely well engineered! And may I just add how excellent customer service is at Crazy Moppo's emporium! Plus that Moppo is super handsome!"
Gerfffl.ux.BrUUk - supermodel, Andromeda 9

"If Moppo's drinks ain't killed me yet, nuffink bloody well will! I reckon my daily jug of Moppo mix is why I cannot be killed by conventional weapons. I feel like I'm bleedin' 22 years old, thanks to the Moppo Mixer!"

Keef - Doctor and paragon of healthy living, Earth.

"nnnnnn....ah....grum sup ack nay, and I fffl roy cram...um....that, we for....nen yuig....my wife sharon..I think...why? rup. nack. Where am I?"

Ozzy, Prince of Darkness, the wastelands of the 8th dimension

High speed rotating magnetic dissonance programmable brake-pad

DISCLAIMER: Don't put your neck near this when it is spinning!!!
A vital element of any ship's braking system is a proper magnetic dissonance discoid. When particles of matter and anti-matter spring into existence for a micro-nano-mili second and then obliterate eachother, sometimes you can make one of them remain in existence, creating paradoxical contradictions between quantum and classical physics, which cause tiny rips in the fabric of the universe creating conditions similar to those in a black hole, the gravitational pull of which will stop most moving objects on a dime, no matter how heavy, except for maybe the deputy director of our local department of deep-space vehicles, that uptight nazi lardass with his bureaucratic rules and regulations - but I digress. The programmable ones like this are the best. Some ancient models have mysterious grooves left by ancient civilizations. We found that if you put a small metal needle in these grooves while spinning the discoid at certain RPM's you hear bizarre noises and incantations, no doubt of religious significance to the primitive ancients.

Presto brand portable range finder defibrilator

Two in one: find out how far away something is and then defibrilate it, be it a overweight wump-oid with hypertension, a seminiphrious tentacle monster having a gelatinous matrix arrest, or a frozen turkey. Or lets say a deep-frozen chunk of pina colada mix that you're having trouble finding the range on? It is gently used, we admit that freely.

Nuclear Power plant core with compressed saturated gaseous storage

Don't open the lid until the spin cycle is finished! 36 kilo-rads are agitating in there! That's enough to send your ship across time and space at the speed of thought! Furthermore, the specially engineered bonus compressed saturated gaseous storage tank holds up to 450 metric tons of liquid helium, so you won't run out no matter how often you inhale it to make amusing high pitched voices!

Butler-Bot Supercharged Sentient Liquid dispenser

From the people that brought you Snakebot, Butlerbot features similar liquid dispensing capabilities, but in this case the liquid is supercharged, ultra-ionized, dimension bending, sentient, low calorie ooze fluid. This stuff is so valuable you probably won't want to dispense it at all, better to let it use butlerbot as its "shell" or body in which to walk around the ship giving orders, fixing things, arranging complex and deeply troubling hyperspace navigations. Ooze fluid sold seperately.

Suspended Animation Hive Cells

If you are planning a deep space inter-galactic colonization mission, you'll probably need to place most of your foul alien larval horde in suspended animation until you are ready to unleash them on whichever unsuspecting corner of the universe you plan to over run. These hibernation cells are specially engineered for conservation of heat and energy - in field tests larvae survived for up to 6.2 aeons. Just hope that while hibernating there arent any evil onboard computers that let the life support systems go idle.

Not a threat, a promise...

This is just a sampling of a what happens to various Aliens that don't make their payments. We are done with simple repo jobs. You fail to fulfill your obligations, you'll be joining these deadbeats in the Vyzgirgian desert

Gently Used Stop-cock Flapper Valve

Sure, it has flapped a few flaps in its lifetime. But it probably has a few more flaps left. Plus it is apparently useful for target practice and has a proven track record of stopping hurtling boulders and asteroids.

Spacious Flying Saucer Docking bay

Imagine easing your saucer into this lovely docking bay at the end of a hard day in hyperspace. Trust me, my experiences as a wise three headed, fuschia skinned Zubenelgenubian allow me to make better judgements than some shiny chartreuse robot. I don't think that makes me an anti-android racist or anything, I'm just sayin'.

Hydraulic Pronk-wave Inverter

As part of our new marketing strategy, you can see this item near the hyperspace flyby on-ramp. Nothing unplows your zipline overhand cam-cranks like a good inverted pronk.

Snake-bot Lubricant Delivery System

Snake-bot roams the engine room looking for things that need lubricant spit upon them. We don't know exactly what this snake-bot experienced during its previous incarnation of gentle usage, but it seems to have been somehow traumatized to the point of being somewhat anti-social and surly. That's why we had to attach a little muzzle around snake-bot's head, because it has developed an unfortunate tendency to bite. The muzzle doesn't stop it from trying to spit heavy lubricants at crew members, but this can create a fun sort of "dodge the industrial lubricant" game to improve morale in the engine room. This adds to our proven track record of charitable works helping abused and neglected robots.

Stylized Elephant Motif Overdrive Switch Handle

Grab that Elephant and shove his neck backwards and feel your ship jump like a pachyderm that just saw a mouse. Kicking it into the passing gear was never so fun as when you have a handsome art deco style elephant to rest your hand on. Some people prefer an eight ball, but we hate anything even remotely associated with gambling and drinking, so we endorse the elephant model.

Dual valve ytterbium treated high pressure motivator cam-shaft casing - with turbocharger!

It does all the things the above mentioned item is supposed to do, you have our word. We don't sell any components treated with an element below atomic number 56, only the good stuff!
Only one previous user, who only ever drove 5 angstroms/hour below the speed limit to go to the store once a century to pick up a dozen proto-dactyl eggs.

Relativity Powered Binoculars

It's all relative - just remember that. Our super powered (gently used) binoculars were engineered using the ancient and rather obvious theory of relativity. Things that are far away, are only far away relative to you, and although it might take you a long time to fly your cruiser over to where those things are, time is kind of relative too if you think about it? and if you were like going at the speed of light or something, you'd arrive the same age you are now, while the people at whatever you were looking at with the super binoculars would like have long white beards and stuff, even though they were babies when you started. Whoa, that is, like...deep, huh? Anyway, you can see a long way with these puppies, or if you prefer, you can look a near ways, and inspect your self introspectively and analyze who you are and where your life is headed. They bolt onto most models of your ceremonial headgear.

Hideously Awkward Bionic Shoulder Joint

You'll experience a strange, uncomfortable puffy feeling, and suffer an extraordinary decrease in freedom of movement, but other than that this bionic shoulder joint is great. Interfacing with on board cargo cranes allows the user to lift 700 times their body weight, and plus in terms of fashion, it is quite "in" to resemble robots from Earth Science fiction films of the 1950's, you know, for the retro factor etc.

Spare Lives

Be like a cat, and keep a couple of extra lives in your glove compartment. You never know when they might come in handy! When the gronk really hits the fan, you will have peace of mind knowing that you can cash in one of your spares, in the form of these mysterious, ghostly, frankly rather creepy, travel souls.

Item# 9: 100 kabillion bazillion makillion clams. What you think extra souls were going to be cheap?

Unexploded Ordnance

Handled with proper care, you can probably extract some really useful and valuable stuff from the inside of this. Sorry, U-pick-up, we cannot ship this item or even touch it on your behalf.

item# 600m600m: Fifty bucks, and signature on the waiver

Vintage Decider

The term "decider" has become so commonplace that we forget that the dull and thankless task of deciding used to be performed manually by people. Imagine, just like "computer" used to refer to a nerd with a slide rule, also in the dark ages actual people had to slave over decisions. Now a computer and a decider are totally different things, and just think about how many hours of time, how many terrible hassles, how many tears of frustration have been saved by the mechanization of these boring boring jobs. Here is a fairly early decider, one of the first models in fact, but it is very solid and they don't make them like this anymore. Nothing flimsy here, no holographic or molded-gas components, actual metal construction! Sure, it takes a little longer to perform difficult decisions than the modern ones do, but that's why the price is so outrageous!

Item# 386kb: we'll make the decision easy for you - only 79 Alto-cubits!

Mystic Biscuit Mathematical Starchart Template

As we all know, all things are connected, and thus the small can be discerned by observing the big, and the big can be known in intimate detail by extrapolating from the small. This may sound like gibberish to less advanced civilizations, but hurtling through the cosmos at warp 17 with only a cracker sculpture (or some other apparently semi-random pattern) to guide you is the latest big thing in supermathematical conk-space navigation, as well as philosophical enlightenment -- try it and you'll see.

Incendiary Backup Minstrel's Quarters / Cocktail Blender

Flooded with space minstrels to such an extent that your main treatment plants are backing up? Allocate a couple of them to the outhouse! This destroilet incinerates all organic wastes (and the occasional minstrel if you so desire) and in a pinch can be fired at enemy Galactic Revenue Service frigates as a huge methane bomb. I almost hesitate to point out the amazingly diverse uses of all the items in our catalog, but this incendiary device also blends up a mean margarita, for those of you who don't mind a bit of methane flavor in your drinks, i.e. pirates and GRS enforcement officers.

Item# sT1nK60m6-77: 199.99 Quag-marks

Do-it-yourself Galactic Revenue Service Emasculator

If you find yourself out in deep space during tax season, you might miss the home comforts of a good old fashioned in-person emasculation from a trained Galactic Revenue Service representative. But now, with this prepaid portable emasculator, you can flay your own flesh, suck your own life forces, and crush your own dreams without the need for a tax collector to be physically present. Just like those pre-paid postage meters you can get from the galactic post service! Keep out of reach of children, obviously. Best not to use after having your annual post filing stiff drink, as alcohol can impair your reaction times.

Item# FU - 85% of your annual income, less a few hideously complex credits, rebates, and time consuming deductions that only a PhD can figure out.