If it's broke, fix it! - Space Gimlet contraption

So your onboard space gimlet mixer doesn't work that well at all. In fact, you just about go broke and experience kidney failure whenever you try to use it while some jackass in the next star system gets rich and also files a frivolous lawsuit. do you get all indignant and quasi-religious in an ill-defined sort of way without even being sure why you're upset when someone proposes fixing it? No, of course not! In our local Zubenelgenubian dialect we have an expression for such people: We call them "stupid assholes." If it doesn't work, fix it, don't just loolygag around getting screwed by the status quo! Buy this expert Space Gimlet mixing contraption.

What? Don't read too much into our advertisement, we are only talking about Space Gimlet mixers. Not everything has some hidden subtext or metaphor in it.

Intimidating Prosthetic Hand

Lots of space sailors, when they lose a hand, claw, or tentacle in active combat, like to rig up a hook or something in place of the lost hand, claw or tentacle. Why not consider rigging yourself up with this multi-use gadget if you lose an appendage? You can strike fear in the hearts of enemy crew as you (completely legally) board them and seize their cargo like a latter day Captain Hook. Except in this case you would be more like "Captain Masticator," or something like that. Also: It mixes up a sloe gin fizz quite thoroughly. You can use coconut milk as the bar lubricant for nice results.

Projectile guidance pipe w/ polymerized adhesive stripping

You may not know this, but a pipe can guide a small piece of metal in the general direction you want it to go if you make a small explosion in the other end of the pipe. Not quite as accurate or powerful as a laser weapon, but on the other hand, through some apparently massive oversight on the part of the galactic government, any idiot off the street can just go buy an explosive projectile guidance pipe and carry it around. Believe it or not! People consider it a basic right. In fact possessing one wins you virtuous brownie points in some religious systems. And while I'd hate to profit by selling potentially lethal explosive projectile guidance pipes to Gixrundian terrorists or mind juice cartels, or Vulcan invasion force scouts, or criminally insane robots, who am I to interfere with basic rights? All you have to do is bring 299 up-credits and pass a 10 milisecond background check. Also did you know that if the handle of your explosive projectile guidance pipe sort of falls off you can wrap it up with this nifty black polymerized adhesive stripping? Both functional and stylish.

Spare Lives

Be like a cat, and keep a couple of extra lives in your glove compartment. You never know when they might come in handy! When the gronk really hits the fan, you will have peace of mind knowing that you can cash in one of your spares, in the form of these mysterious, ghostly, frankly rather creepy, travel souls.

Item# 9: 100 kabillion bazillion makillion clams. What you think extra souls were going to be cheap?

Another Seized Vehicle!!

Yet another screaming deal via galactic navy seizure and auction. Look at the faux-chrome on this muscleship. By the way, we have very credible documents certifying that none of the vehicles in our brand new used ships divisions have anything to do with those space pirates over in the horn of Capricorn. Those pirates are awful, awful beings and we of course would have nothing to do with them and would never ever meet with them every thursday night for a pint of star-grog and a quick game of anti-gravity billiards.

Item# BS-R-us-OMFG: 126 Thousand Gazillion Bazillion Galactic Dinars CASH ONLY, in small unmarked discs.