Devious Stock Market Robots

Get a jump on the competition.  These state of the art trading robots wait until some sucker pushes the "buy" or "sell" button, then it goes back in time a few milliseconds, front runs the order, and pockets the difference.  Not only is this totally legal, it is endorsed by the galactic financial regulators, presumably as a special favor to the high frequency time travel algorithm robot lobby.

"Open the pod bay doors Hal..."

[bear with us for a second here, just want to test a marketing technique:  every time we use the words "weight loss" we generate 400% more interweb traffic.  lets see if it works this time!]

We must immediately take steps to put Photon Torpedoes in the hands of all criminally insane people!!!

A successful society is armed to the teeth:  peace and security are only possible if we live in constant fear that any any moment some lunatic could well come bursting into the local McZithipies restaurant we are at and blow us into our constituent subatomic particles with a carefully designed killing device while we are enjoying BigZark burgers and quarkshakes. 

Every psychopath deserves a photon torpedo.  How a society treats their psychopaths says a lot about that society.  Are we a galaxy that hides our criminally insane out of sight, relegated to the gutters and psychiatric wards, deprived of love and compassion?  Or do we arm them against future tyrants?  Do you want space communists and tyrants to enslave you and make you live in some kind of police state where you have to live in fear of getting blown up by secret police while you eat lunch at McZithipies?  Look what happened over on Vega 12:  Their government took away their photon torpedoes and multi-nuclear detonators.  Now they are an oppressed  and dominated society.  Though the arts and sciences flourish there, and no crowds have been randomly assassinated by delusional schizophrenics for several millenia, nevertheless their rights are trampled on by tyrants.

Look, if photon torpedoes are illegal, only criminals will have photon torpedoes.  Is that what you want, criminally insane people toting around killing machines?  No!  So we must give criminally insane people photon torpedoes as soon as possible.   If the criminally insane don't blow up a peace loving deep orbit biospheres with photon torpedoes, they will do it with a stick, trust me.   A stick can be just as dangerous as a photon torpedo in the wrong hands.  Photon torpedoes don't kill aliens, ALIENS kill aliens. (I've often wondered if a stick is just as dangerous as a photon torpedo, should I be satisfied and protected if I carry a stick?  I should....)

Plus a well armed criminal insane class is an important deterrent.  As a criminally insane criminal carefully and rationally plans a burglary for example, their intrinsic ration and logic and sound thinking that they are using while planning said burglary will make them think twice if they know the lawful criminally insane citizen inside the home might be packing a photon torpedo, right?  It is a deterrent.  A well armed criminally insane yeomanry leads to a crime free, tyrant free society.  The only tradeoff is you have to put up with the tyranny of criminally insane mass murderers, but Freedom isn't free, you know!

Specialty Plasma Frackers

Solve your energy needs with some judicious fracking of mid layer veins of temporal plasma. Glowing liquid death may come gurgling up out of your neighbors' pipes, but it isn't your fault if their water sources or their flow of spatial stability gets all fracked up. Intergalactic legal precedent clearly states that property rights do not extend past the third dimension, whatever happens sub-surface is fair game, so they can just shut the frack up. They could go frack themselves. You get the picture.

Border Patrol Robot

This snarky little droid is a super efficient bureaucrat, and a determined immigration enforcement officer. Now I myself am an alien (Hello!? I have a squid for a head!) but I am still totally against illegal aliens, and so I keep a few border patrol droids orbiting my personal domicile. Here is the typical dialogue between my border patrol droids and the unfortunate person who happens to come too close to my perimeter:

droid: Intruder! Present your identification papers!
intruder: Huh? I'm just walking to the corner store to get a pint of quark swirl...
droid: Your papers are not in order! Prepare to be incarcerated and/or incinerated!
intruder: What? Get out of my face you little turd! I don't have to carry identification papers to walk down the street!
droid: Incorrect! Under new gamma sector regulations you must carry identification papers at all times if you look in any way suspicious or if Moppo happens to dislike you, and you fulfill both criteria! Incarcerate and / or incinerate!
intruder: What is this, the Phryxigian Gulag? This can't be....ZAP!

Get yours today, and save our sub-minimum wage galactic jobs.
P.S.: You might notice that a pint of quark swirl suddenly leaps 600% in price after the illegal intruders are no longer around to do the backbreaking labor of harvesting it from the Mega-beasts.

Spare Lives

Be like a cat, and keep a couple of extra lives in your glove compartment. You never know when they might come in handy! When the gronk really hits the fan, you will have peace of mind knowing that you can cash in one of your spares, in the form of these mysterious, ghostly, frankly rather creepy, travel souls.

Item# 9: 100 kabillion bazillion makillion clams. What you think extra souls were going to be cheap?

Another Seized Vehicle!!

Yet another screaming deal via galactic navy seizure and auction. Look at the faux-chrome on this muscleship. By the way, we have very credible documents certifying that none of the vehicles in our brand new used ships divisions have anything to do with those space pirates over in the horn of Capricorn. Those pirates are awful, awful beings and we of course would have nothing to do with them and would never ever meet with them every thursday night for a pint of star-grog and a quick game of anti-gravity billiards.

Item# BS-R-us-OMFG: 126 Thousand Gazillion Bazillion Galactic Dinars CASH ONLY, in small unmarked discs.