Devious Stock Market Robots

Get a jump on the competition.  These state of the art trading robots wait until some sucker pushes the "buy" or "sell" button, then it goes back in time a few milliseconds, front runs the order, and pockets the difference.  Not only is this totally legal, it is endorsed by the galactic financial regulators, presumably as a special favor to the high frequency time travel algorithm robot lobby.

"Open the pod bay doors Hal..."

[bear with us for a second here, just want to test a marketing technique:  every time we use the words "weight loss" we generate 400% more interweb traffic.  lets see if it works this time!]

Groupon Sizzling Barometric Processing Chamber

This will compress the abstracted energy, information, and matter that emerges as a by-product of the irrational activities and violations of physical reality intrinsic in modern deep space navigation, which can be quite hazardous as they result in emissions of sizzling groupons. You must compress these abstractions according to Galactic Department of Hygeine code section 298w.01.75a, and keep a logbook of each compression.

Anterior Node Interlocking Transducer Weight-Loss System: m=e/c2

Basic laws of general relativity (or is it special relativilty? Hell if I can ever remember!) state that the faster you go, the greater your actual mass becomes. You get tanking up toward the speed of light, your butt is suddenly quite, quite large and heavy. And on the other side of the coin, if you are morbidly obese in the tradition of the Lard Lords of Polyunsaturatartaros 19, your thunder thighs might actually stretch the fabric of space/time to such an extent that everything around you starts happening at near the speed of light, which can be annoying if you are like trying to watch TV or something. Thus, all it takes is a fairly simple mathematical operation - I am no math whiz, but I dabble a bit - to realize that if you slow things way down, the mass of your ass will decrease. Presto, blow off that deadline at work and slow things waaaaay down, and you also lose weight, effortlessly. We should state also that as you approach the speed of light time slows down, so as you slooooooooowly plod through life and shed pounds, your local time zone will also sort of accelerate relative to everyone else, but that is just the price you pay for six pack abs - or 17 pack abs, depending on your species. It could even be a bonus, like if you need payday to hurry up and arrive, or if you just can't wait to open your presents on Supernova Day morning, this weight loss system could make the big day arrive sooner.

Amorphous Liquid Metal Paradox and Fallacy ATM

This portable ATM mounts on the bulwark of your ship's office, and thanks to excellent technology and harnessing of temporal physics, you can make many types of withdrawls that would previously have been thought of as impossible or at best irrational. For example, you can borrow money from your future self on a huge scale. Heck, you know you are good for it, right? Unlike its predecessors, the primitive "credit card" and "mortgage" this machine actually travels through time to bring actual, physical future currency to your current present self! You can also finance tax cuts more conveniently, since for a stumulus to work, money that you soon won't not currently have is suddenly the same thing as money that you does currently has in your pockets and can spend at reputable retail outlets such as CrazyMoppo's Space Emporium for example (creating jobs and stimulating the economy at the same time). This stimulus to your future earnings power virtually ensures that you will not be broke when the future finally arrives - a self fulfilling prophecy if you will. Attractive liquid metal finish.

Item#: RUfnk1ddnMe - 100 times your current annual income - CASH ONLY!