Perpetual Motion Debt Reduction Machine

Small minds are unable to grasp the cognitive dissonance and higher mathematics involved in perpetual motion. The feeble minded among us might argue that such a device is impossible. However, experts in modern physics and economics have shown rather conclusively that you can prop up a collapsing system and make it self sustaining. This model was recently used by the Fomalhaut regional council to meet budget shortfalls when the Piscis Commonwealth Central bank threatened to throw them out of the Galactic dinar common currency union. Here's how it works: you shove worthless I.O.U.s, debased digital currency, written off debts and other figments of your imagination into the input bin. Once the atomic structure and quantum spin of these fictitious units is re-aligned, you use them as collateral to borrow a freighterload of Galactic Dinars from the angry central bank, which are then fed into the incinerator unit and burned, which turns the turbines to power the generators to keep the machine working at converting more bad debts into collateral to borrow from the people who then buy your bonds which you burn to produce enough money to pay back the people who you borrowed from in the first place, your left pocket lends to your right pocket, which pays the left pocket back with proceeds from the revolving line of credit from the central bank, who buys the bonds that you had to issue to pay back the people who bought the bonds from you and are also your original creditors, and, paradoxically also your left pocket. (Hmm, it kind of reminds me of how my Aunt Reba is also my step-sister and my cousin, but that is another story). Give me one good reason why this can't just go on forever. That's right, you can't, because debt CAN be made to go away, if you just shut your eyes really hard and refuse to believe in it. No wonder intelligent design made ostriches so wise as to put their heads in the sand when something scary is near.

Obsolete Extractor Gadget

Damn, we really had a good thing going for a while there. Unfortunately, this extractor is now nearly useless, following recent legislation. Previously, it was a gold mine, since upon installation in the medical department of a spacecraft, it allowed us to extract obscene amounts of money out of healthy passengers and crew members, and we didn't have to provide ANY goods or services in return! It was great. We extracted ever increasing amounts, and provided ever decreasing amounts of illusory services. If someone got ill, we just told them to go take a flying leap at a black hole and then we laughed all the way to the bank. An amusing side effect was the ironic pain and anxiety this supposedly medical device inflicted on people - it was kind of entertaining to watch, actually. But anyway, now this gadget is simply another antiquated victim of galactic socialism, and so we will sell it to you for a crazy, crazy low price. Our craziness is practically a pre-existing condition, and now we can even receive mental help, and all of you are going to suffer because of it, when we come to our senses and start raising prices. Just you wait, you'll be sorry. Life is so UNFAIR.

Annual Results: On track for recovery!

Dear Shareholders:
What a difference a year can make! Two years ago we were living large and lighting our cigarillos with 600 dinar notes. We were throwing cash around like nobody's business. We waged a kind of successful war of choice on duct harpies, management received authrization from the shareholders to raise the debt ceiling by 467%, and we sponsored many philanthropic community outreach programs such as "Operation New Ferrari for Moppo." And who can forget the lavish parties we threw with frozen argon ice sculptures of naked classical dieties that peed high end space grog? In the past, shareholders may have noticed large entries under research and development in our financial statements, largely the result of hiring the smartest minds in the galaxy to develop the perfect space-pina-colada.

However, that was then and this is now. Now, we have changed our free spending ways and we have adopted a spartan, sanctimonious attitude of fiscal responsibility and restraint. True, the company is currently in receivership and being organized by a nerdy little dork lawyer type geek from Canopus who has never had any fun in his life, but that is kind of beside the point. Now that he is TEMPORARILY running the company, we have found it convenient to pretend that we were the wise, penny pinching, long sighted ones all along. For example: Mr. Nazi Bean Counter Dork-o proposes upgrading and renovating our databases and information management systems, which currently consist of a shoebox full of cocktail napkins with ball point pen scribbles on the backs of them. Oh really, Mr. Beancounter? WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING TO COME FROM??? Do you think new databases just grow on trees? Good gracious. Until sanity returns, I refuse to drink another Rigelian Quark Swirl on the rocks. Nothing but tea will pass my lips.

Press on, comrades, keep the faith! We shall return to filthy profitiability soon!

Not a threat, a promise...

This is just a sampling of a what happens to various Aliens that don't make their payments. We are done with simple repo jobs. You fail to fulfill your obligations, you'll be joining these deadbeats in the Vyzgirgian desert

Cash Money!

You, like everyone else right now, need some cash. We can loan you some, at very reasonable interest rates, (never higher than 47%). If you don't pay us back we will break your freaking kneecaps, so help us.

for more info see: http://diablo2003.deviantart.com/art/Starbuck-67549133

Amorphous Liquid Metal Paradox and Fallacy ATM

This portable ATM mounts on the bulwark of your ship's office, and thanks to excellent technology and harnessing of temporal physics, you can make many types of withdrawls that would previously have been thought of as impossible or at best irrational. For example, you can borrow money from your future self on a huge scale. Heck, you know you are good for it, right? Unlike its predecessors, the primitive "credit card" and "mortgage" this machine actually travels through time to bring actual, physical future currency to your current present self! You can also finance tax cuts more conveniently, since for a stumulus to work, money that you soon won't not currently have is suddenly the same thing as money that you does currently has in your pockets and can spend at reputable retail outlets such as CrazyMoppo's Space Emporium for example (creating jobs and stimulating the economy at the same time). This stimulus to your future earnings power virtually ensures that you will not be broke when the future finally arrives - a self fulfilling prophecy if you will. Attractive liquid metal finish.

Item#: RUfnk1ddnMe - 100 times your current annual income - CASH ONLY!

Meet Our New Financing Department

As we all know, financing has been a bit difficult to come by in recent days. In the Antares system, for example, interplanetary overnight interest rates have soared to 700%. That's why we have brought in a crack team of specialists to help you purchase the starship parts you need and deserve. By tapping into new funding sources that have recently become available, (pools of venture capital from the mafia bosses on Sapphos-IX; discount window from the Andromeda branch of the galactic reserve's liquidity program...) we will be able to offer 200 year payment plans. Grep, Mog'z'tach'vt, and Ted are trained in all the details of modern interstellar financing, including over the counter derivative derivatives, death-collateralized threat obligations, and black-hole originated predatory equity sharing schemes. Give them a call today, and make your star-cruising dreams come true!