Charity Appeal: Like us on Tentaclebook and win a Thorax Dialysis Apparatus

We need your help - we are trying to get to 2 million "likes" on Tentaclebook.  This is to help the needy orthopods of the galaxy get the dialysis they need.  Not to put any pressure or guilt on you, but if we don't get to 2 million "likes" during this campaign, we are going to go ahead and disconnect a bunch of orthopods from their medical support systems, causing them to perish in writhing agony, so if you want that on your conscience, go ahead and fail to hit the "like" button.  If you are one of the "likers" you are automatically entered to win this gently used thorax dialysis machine.  The only creatures to be hooked up to it so far were pre-screened for plasma borne pathogens, and they took a bath before it even touched the interior of their thoracic cavity.  We cleaned the interface with windex too, so rest easy, it isn't that gross. 

Obsolete Extractor Gadget

Damn, we really had a good thing going for a while there. Unfortunately, this extractor is now nearly useless, following recent legislation. Previously, it was a gold mine, since upon installation in the medical department of a spacecraft, it allowed us to extract obscene amounts of money out of healthy passengers and crew members, and we didn't have to provide ANY goods or services in return! It was great. We extracted ever increasing amounts, and provided ever decreasing amounts of illusory services. If someone got ill, we just told them to go take a flying leap at a black hole and then we laughed all the way to the bank. An amusing side effect was the ironic pain and anxiety this supposedly medical device inflicted on people - it was kind of entertaining to watch, actually. But anyway, now this gadget is simply another antiquated victim of galactic socialism, and so we will sell it to you for a crazy, crazy low price. Our craziness is practically a pre-existing condition, and now we can even receive mental help, and all of you are going to suffer because of it, when we come to our senses and start raising prices. Just you wait, you'll be sorry. Life is so UNFAIR.

Medical Billing Supercomputer

We have finally found a supercomputer nearly capable of handling the hideous complexities of medical billing. Most modern computers can calculate the trajectory of every meteor in a storm of 6 million meteors, figure all the possible outcomes for each atom in a supernova, and process every ether-space phone bill in the entire universe, or even successfully file tax returns for politicians...yet the sheer mathematical paradoxes, intrinsic irrationalities, and dimensional warping involved in medical billing have up until now been too much for even the most muscular quantum supercomputers. True, if galacto-medicaid is involved, or if you try to invoke COBRA benefits, this machine will get bogged down and confused, and might start shooting jets of steam off in all directions, and continue mailing threatening bills with a zero balance to clients for the next 60 years. Nevertheless, the device performs functions that previously required 50,000 medical billing professionals.

See more photos of the supercomputer in action here.

Item #12b: We will bill you an usnpecified amount later, based on a ridiculously complex algorithm.