Informational Channelling Conduit Tube to the Subconscious

The whole universe is made up of three components: Matter, energy, and information. Matter and energy are kind of boring if you ask me, the information is where it is at. Once you go in the tunnel that disconnects your sensory experience from the shackles of matter, all kinds of cool things happen. Ironically, you can also warp and manipulate matter through the clever utilization of information. For instance, the last time I re-channelled the master information flow, I descended below the surface of "normal" experience, and became someone else for a while. Dressed in the Denebian stockbroker's traditional garb complete with neck choker, I cruised along the sub-information tubes while reading the Daily Torpidgraph, and blended right in. When I resurfaced from the complex matrix of bent information - information split like a prism splits light into many colors - I was in fact in a totally new physical location, as if I had travelled physically through and under matter and the material world. And I was still in disguise. Informational manipulation makes almost anything possible. Usually the information is pre-set in our subconscious, you just need a tube to retrieve it and re-direct its flow. Warning: Some people find descending into the subconscious and the flowing information under the surface extremely unpleasant. Use Caution!

See no evil, hear no evil, blurg no evil: Genetic algorithm user interface

Programming an uber-computer to complete a specific task is SOOOO last millenium. You should let the computer evolve its own solution to your problem by selecting the ten least lame solutions out of ten thousand, then propagating each of those via random code recombinations and "mutations" until you get a good program. Meanwhile, you can be kicking back having a quark swirl on the rocks. The user interface for this process can be tricky, and we have found that if there are three cheeky robot faces that talk back at you, you can guage how the program is evolving based on how the robot head personalities develop. It is an abstract but entertaining interface.

Complex Adaptive Systems Counterbalance Manipulator

We've all been there - you are trying to do something, trying to go about your business and leave your mark on the universe, and as soon as you act, the universe starts to change. Bogus! It is like the universe is moving the goal posts. It can be if you are trying to go in a horizontal plane as you walk the plank of a pirate cruiser, and every step you take starts making the stupid plank bend downwards. Or just as bad, it can be that you place a massive short sell order of your own stock in the galactic stock exchange but suddenly once everyone notices that you are doing that, they too place sell orders, which screws up your whole scheme. Even the act of observing the location of an electron is enough to bounce the electron over into some annoying new quantum location (how many times has this inconvenient natural phenomenon messed up your milkshake mixing plans?) The point is that even the smallest thing you do can and does alter your environment and the universe as a whole. Every damn thing you do changes the playing field. Well help is on the way! We have a nifty little micro-balanced, self adjusting manipulator of complex systems that can dampen the adaptive learning power of things like swarms of duct harpies that move as if they were one superorganism. Or perhaps the fluctuation of sunspots, or the constantly fluctuating gravitational pull of rapidly moving meteors hurtling at different speeds and vectors in an asteroid field. Even - and we are not necessarily recommending this - the way dynamic way cops tend to position themselves behind certain moons and gas clouds where they know you'll be going fast. Whatever your needs, you can gain a significant edge over those pesky complex adaptive systems with this item. Have fun and fly safely!

Clearance Sale! Dirt Cheap Accelerator Mechanism

Everything must go! Clearance sale! We are selling these accelerator pedals so cheap you won't believe it! Two for the price of one! We promise your craft will be much much faster once you install this component, so take your ride down to the racetrack and hold on tight!

Some people have been worrying about whether it is wise to have starship components so complex and involved and computerized that a stray speck of dust on the circuit board might make your cigarette lighter reach out and bite you on the derriere. I admit, I am the first to feel annoyed when I have to call a zit faced 15 year old to reprogram my window cranker circuit so I can roll the dod gam windows down. However, I don't think people should complain about going fast. Think about it: in a few highly publicized cases, a so called "defect" allowed a fairly wussy underpowered craft to achieve quite high velocities. They should be thankful!

Medical Billing Supercomputer

We have finally found a supercomputer nearly capable of handling the hideous complexities of medical billing. Most modern computers can calculate the trajectory of every meteor in a storm of 6 million meteors, figure all the possible outcomes for each atom in a supernova, and process every ether-space phone bill in the entire universe, or even successfully file tax returns for politicians...yet the sheer mathematical paradoxes, intrinsic irrationalities, and dimensional warping involved in medical billing have up until now been too much for even the most muscular quantum supercomputers. True, if galacto-medicaid is involved, or if you try to invoke COBRA benefits, this machine will get bogged down and confused, and might start shooting jets of steam off in all directions, and continue mailing threatening bills with a zero balance to clients for the next 60 years. Nevertheless, the device performs functions that previously required 50,000 medical billing professionals.

See more photos of the supercomputer in action here.

Item #12b: We will bill you an usnpecified amount later, based on a ridiculously complex algorithm.