Devious Stock Market Robots

Get a jump on the competition.  These state of the art trading robots wait until some sucker pushes the "buy" or "sell" button, then it goes back in time a few milliseconds, front runs the order, and pockets the difference.  Not only is this totally legal, it is endorsed by the galactic financial regulators, presumably as a special favor to the high frequency time travel algorithm robot lobby.

"Open the pod bay doors Hal..."

[bear with us for a second here, just want to test a marketing technique:  every time we use the words "weight loss" we generate 400% more interweb traffic.  lets see if it works this time!]

Teen Heart-throb Robot

It is super cute and has a carefully cultivated "look" and eats at all the correct restaurants and uses every catchphrase and buzzword in exactly the right way. It is programmed using modern self referential circular logic techniques inherent in quantum mechanical theories to make itself famous just for being famous.  Occasionally it sings, but that is not the point, obviously.

Incidentally, what the zark is a "justin bieber" anyways?

Ary You Angry? Vote for Grom the Eviscerator!

Are you mad as hell? I am. I'm mad as hell! Not quite sure why, but I'm angry and I'm not going to take it any more. I'm tired of seeing my rights trampled. Which rights? Who the heck knows, but I hate seeing them trampled by tyrrany! I'm angry! I said I'm angry! Well we don't have to take it any more. Please join me in voting for Grom the Eviscerator (markXXIV) to represent Gamma sector district 12 in the galactic senate. Unlike organic life forms, Grom the Eviscerator knows how to cut taxes. Grom cuts well. He cuts VERY well. He is against government interference in our lives. He ain't into all them regulations, he just digs a damn trench wherever he feels like it. He doesn't think for himself, he is a ruthless, soulless automaton who pursues his vague, one dimensional agenda with dogged single minded determination. His valuable business experience will help him bring a folksy, common sense approach to running the government as if it were strip mine. Let's take back our rights by bowing down before Grom the mighty - before tyrrany gets totally out of control. Also, Grom may have dabbled with witchcraft in the past, and that business with the performance enhancing high octane substance abuse is all behind him.

-"I am Grom the Eviscerator Mark XXIV, and I approved this message. Grom cut. Grom strip mine. Grom eviscerate. Me Grom. Vote Grom, or DIE, carbon based scum."

Paid for by Aliens for Freedom and Morality.

See no evil, hear no evil, blurg no evil: Genetic algorithm user interface

Programming an uber-computer to complete a specific task is SOOOO last millenium. You should let the computer evolve its own solution to your problem by selecting the ten least lame solutions out of ten thousand, then propagating each of those via random code recombinations and "mutations" until you get a good program. Meanwhile, you can be kicking back having a quark swirl on the rocks. The user interface for this process can be tricky, and we have found that if there are three cheeky robot faces that talk back at you, you can guage how the program is evolving based on how the robot head personalities develop. It is an abstract but entertaining interface.

Cold Fusion Oxygen Harvesting Giant Robot

Let's face it, although cold fusion is sometimes criticized by foo-foo hippy types, we are all dependent on it as an energy source. Yes, I feel terrible and lose sleep at night that we are strip mining oxygen from low income planets and fusing the atoms together in an improbable but lucrative self sustaining perpetual energy generating cycle in blatant violation of the laws of thermodynamics, but on the other hand I like to go really fast in my gigantic spaceship! During the election last century, I was in the front row with the rest of the true believers, chanting: "Fuse, baby, fuse! Fuse, baby, fuse!"

However, in a totally unexpected and surprising turnaround, it turns out cold fusion on a wide scale can lead to some very bad things. When that giant tower robot went beserk and inhaled an entire solar system over in Pegasus 12, causing several emerging civilizations to implode upon themselves and degenerate into a quiverring, pulsating black hole shooting enormous gamma ray lasers out into space, we were all devastated. Who would have guessed something like that could happen?

The upside is that we are now selling some of the giant oxygen fusion robots on the cheap. We are pretty sure we have leveraged our extensive work in underprivledged robot philanthropy to fix the bug that sometimes leads to catastrophic planetary obliteration.

Border Patrol Robot

This snarky little droid is a super efficient bureaucrat, and a determined immigration enforcement officer. Now I myself am an alien (Hello!? I have a squid for a head!) but I am still totally against illegal aliens, and so I keep a few border patrol droids orbiting my personal domicile. Here is the typical dialogue between my border patrol droids and the unfortunate person who happens to come too close to my perimeter:

droid: Intruder! Present your identification papers!
intruder: Huh? I'm just walking to the corner store to get a pint of quark swirl...
droid: Your papers are not in order! Prepare to be incarcerated and/or incinerated!
intruder: What? Get out of my face you little turd! I don't have to carry identification papers to walk down the street!
droid: Incorrect! Under new gamma sector regulations you must carry identification papers at all times if you look in any way suspicious or if Moppo happens to dislike you, and you fulfill both criteria! Incarcerate and / or incinerate!
intruder: What is this, the Phryxigian Gulag? This can't be....ZAP!

Get yours today, and save our sub-minimum wage galactic jobs.
P.S.: You might notice that a pint of quark swirl suddenly leaps 600% in price after the illegal intruders are no longer around to do the backbreaking labor of harvesting it from the Mega-beasts.

SchitzoBot Emoticon Grin / Grimace Droid

Like this it is a happy bucktoothed grinning grasshopper face. Joy prevails!

But uh-oh! Now it is making a grim goat grimace! Stand clear!

Travelling "Preacherbot™" Ordained Ceremony Performing Rocket Robot

You can't "buy" this, but you can reserve its services, and it will fly across the galaxy to wherever you require the services of someone or something who can perform legal and religious ceremonies like weddings, baptisms, or confirmations. The thundering flaming rockets make an excellent pyrotechnic display to add drama to your service, and the awe inspiring deep booming (only slightly electronic) voice will shake your ribcage (or gelatinous matrix) and stir your spirit to do mighty great deeds. Pre-programmed for over 7,000 known galactic religions and secular belief systems.

Butler-Bot Supercharged Sentient Liquid dispenser

From the people that brought you Snakebot, Butlerbot features similar liquid dispensing capabilities, but in this case the liquid is supercharged, ultra-ionized, dimension bending, sentient, low calorie ooze fluid. This stuff is so valuable you probably won't want to dispense it at all, better to let it use butlerbot as its "shell" or body in which to walk around the ship giving orders, fixing things, arranging complex and deeply troubling hyperspace navigations. Ooze fluid sold seperately.

Snake-bot Lubricant Delivery System

Snake-bot roams the engine room looking for things that need lubricant spit upon them. We don't know exactly what this snake-bot experienced during its previous incarnation of gentle usage, but it seems to have been somehow traumatized to the point of being somewhat anti-social and surly. That's why we had to attach a little muzzle around snake-bot's head, because it has developed an unfortunate tendency to bite. The muzzle doesn't stop it from trying to spit heavy lubricants at crew members, but this can create a fun sort of "dodge the industrial lubricant" game to improve morale in the engine room. This adds to our proven track record of charitable works helping abused and neglected robots.

Ride-on personal transportation Bipedal Robot

The genius who manufactures these can be found HERE, but our interpretation of our verbal contract dictates that we have the sole distributorship in the gamma sector... Very fuel efficient, and a fast runner!

Help the Poor Unemployed Robots (before they turn into a vengeful psychotic mercenary army)

During this festive season, we sometimes forget those less fortunate than ourselves. Take time this holiday to help the poor unemployed robots. Idle circuits are the devil's tool, and we all know what happens when unscrupulous power brokers hire out the services of angry mercenary droids! Look what happened to the daleks after the big xenon mining bubble burst several millenia ago. That's why we at Crazy Moppo's are donating 15 Zorwips out of every Tunklar to the Unemployed Robots Relief fund, which helps down on their luck robots retrain, get new skills, to stay relevant in today's intergalactic economy. As a recognized leader in philanthropy and solid, responsible galactic citizens, it is the least we could do. Merry Ixtmess, happy huftuker, and Jolly Kwaanza, wherever your travels may take you!

Cloth Manufacturing Robot

Create your own clothing, ground covers and drapes, and repair small rips and tears in your solar sails with this steam powered sewing robot. We would be happy to place your custom order to the manufacturer.

Item#: ss_teh_awsm: Call for quote. Serious inquiries only.