Presto brand portable range finder defibrilator

Two in one: find out how far away something is and then defibrilate it, be it a overweight wump-oid with hypertension, a seminiphrious tentacle monster having a gelatinous matrix arrest, or a frozen turkey. Or lets say a deep-frozen chunk of pina colada mix that you're having trouble finding the range on? It is gently used, we admit that freely.