Invincible Philosophy Processing Plant

There are only two certain things in this universe: Death and fruity cocktails with an umbrella in them. Also, that the galactic revenue service will come knocking on your door ready to take your hopes and process them into dilithium noodles via a complex process of loopholes and bureaucracy. You can put on as many crazy costumes as you want and rant and rave about how the galactic constitution actually says you should be able to do whatever the hell you want, but the galactic revenue service is unfortunately invincible. Therefore, you might as well have a fruity cocktail with an umbrella in it. But you can process your incoherent philosophies in as tasteful a manner possible. Rubbish goes in, and tasty frosty drinks with an umbrella in them come out.

If you would like to order this item, please refer to publication #256a, then look up your trousers size in our handy reference section, then divide your inseam length by 6,348 or the total from line 62, whichever is less. Then, add lines 101 through 621, and 625 through 724, and enter the result on page 17 line "W". Please note however if your birthday is in a month that starts with "Q" then go straight to section 8. If you qualify for a galactic stimulus exempted occupational hazard loan, fill in schedule X and erase what you just put on line W of section 17. Then switch page 17 with page 23 just for kicks, and add sales tax for your star system, plus ten galactic dinars shipping and handling, and factor in any crazy moppo coupons you clipped from our promotion in last month's edition of "Space Hot Rods" magazine.

Do-it-yourself Galactic Revenue Service Emasculator

If you find yourself out in deep space during tax season, you might miss the home comforts of a good old fashioned in-person emasculation from a trained Galactic Revenue Service representative. But now, with this prepaid portable emasculator, you can flay your own flesh, suck your own life forces, and crush your own dreams without the need for a tax collector to be physically present. Just like those pre-paid postage meters you can get from the galactic post service! Keep out of reach of children, obviously. Best not to use after having your annual post filing stiff drink, as alcohol can impair your reaction times.

Item# FU - 85% of your annual income, less a few hideously complex credits, rebates, and time consuming deductions that only a PhD can figure out.