eAlienMingle.com - Meet Hot Alien Babes today!

Sometimes the odds of finding your soulmate in this vast, frigid, limitless galaxy can seem infinitely small.  That's because, frankly, they are.  This galaxy is absolutely ginormous, you could travel light years and parsecs in any direction and never even encounter an inhabitable planet, let alone multicellular life forms, and even if you find that, what are the chances of finding single aliens, let alone with anatomy even remotely compatible with your own, let alone one without a deep space freighter full of emotional baggage and hangups, let alone one that shares your interests!  And as I know from personal experience even if you somehow manage to fulfill all those unlikely criteria, often it doesn't work out due to "childish self involvement" or "fear of commitment" or "restraining order" or "leaving the space-toilet seat up" etc. etc. That's why we have co-founded eAlienMingle.com, to help you find that special someone!

First off:  Meet Praktoot Mifflewonk., astrophysicist, ballet dancer, interstellar explorer, and acclaimed chef.  She enjoys long walks on the beach, slicing robots in half with a sword of pure plasma, and levitating shit around the room using nothing but her twin tentacle brains!  If you enjoy some of the same stuff, log on today and fill out our simple introductory questionnaire (and give us some cash), so we can match you up with hot alien babes / dudes today!

Devious Stock Market Robots

Get a jump on the competition.  These state of the art trading robots wait until some sucker pushes the "buy" or "sell" button, then it goes back in time a few milliseconds, front runs the order, and pockets the difference.  Not only is this totally legal, it is endorsed by the galactic financial regulators, presumably as a special favor to the high frequency time travel algorithm robot lobby.

"Open the pod bay doors Hal..."

[bear with us for a second here, just want to test a marketing technique:  every time we use the words "weight loss" we generate 400% more interweb traffic.  lets see if it works this time!]

Charity Appeal: Like us on Tentaclebook and win a Thorax Dialysis Apparatus

We need your help - we are trying to get to 2 million "likes" on Tentaclebook.  This is to help the needy orthopods of the galaxy get the dialysis they need.  Not to put any pressure or guilt on you, but if we don't get to 2 million "likes" during this campaign, we are going to go ahead and disconnect a bunch of orthopods from their medical support systems, causing them to perish in writhing agony, so if you want that on your conscience, go ahead and fail to hit the "like" button.  If you are one of the "likers" you are automatically entered to win this gently used thorax dialysis machine.  The only creatures to be hooked up to it so far were pre-screened for plasma borne pathogens, and they took a bath before it even touched the interior of their thoracic cavity.  We cleaned the interface with windex too, so rest easy, it isn't that gross. 

Teen Heart-throb Robot

It is super cute and has a carefully cultivated "look" and eats at all the correct restaurants and uses every catchphrase and buzzword in exactly the right way. It is programmed using modern self referential circular logic techniques inherent in quantum mechanical theories to make itself famous just for being famous.  Occasionally it sings, but that is not the point, obviously.

Incidentally, what the zark is a "justin bieber" anyways?

Jedi Training Drone

This drone hovers around and surprises young padwan learners or even jedi masters who want to keep their senses sharp and their reflexes keen.  When you least expect it, like when you are emerging from the space toilet with a newspaper under your arm, this thing will swoop out from behind the corner and shoot you with a low intensity phaser.  Unless you deflect the beam with your light saber!  Again, don't worry about drones flying around willy nilly.  What is it with the paranoia these days, people?  Enough of the spying conspiracies already!  Drones are harmless.

"Metadata" collector

The GSA (galactic security administration) uses this to collect "metadata" about your habits.  There are also default settings that vaporize any "whistleblowers" (stool-pigeons) within your organization.  Some worry that use of metadata collectors comes dangerously close to "spying", which is a bunch of bull.  Come on - you spend all your time on tentaclebook broadcasting your exact location to the entire galaxy and which movies you like and which aliens you are friends with.  Your brain implant smart-chip constantly informs various corporations and stores about your habits and preferences and movement patterns and now you are trying to tell me you are worried about privacy?  Please.  The big data analysis algorithms are so complex and powerful by now that they have evolved into sentient beings, tracking your every move.  They know which tank top you will buy at the mall tomorrow before you yourself know.  They know you enjoy the music of Taylor Swift, despite your vigorous assurances to the contrary.  Therefore you should buy this "metadata" collector and use it to collect "metadata" on your employees and customers because of my favorite justification - you know- everyone else is doing it these days.

Spaceport on the frontier of second dimension