Groupon Sizzling Barometric Processing Chamber

This will compress the abstracted energy, information, and matter that emerges as a by-product of the irrational activities and violations of physical reality intrinsic in modern deep space navigation, which can be quite hazardous as they result in emissions of sizzling groupons. You must compress these abstractions according to Galactic Department of Hygeine code section 298w.01.75a, and keep a logbook of each compression.

See no evil, hear no evil, blurg no evil: Genetic algorithm user interface

Programming an uber-computer to complete a specific task is SOOOO last millenium. You should let the computer evolve its own solution to your problem by selecting the ten least lame solutions out of ten thousand, then propagating each of those via random code recombinations and "mutations" until you get a good program. Meanwhile, you can be kicking back having a quark swirl on the rocks. The user interface for this process can be tricky, and we have found that if there are three cheeky robot faces that talk back at you, you can guage how the program is evolving based on how the robot head personalities develop. It is an abstract but entertaining interface.

Anterior Node Interlocking Transducer Weight-Loss System: m=e/c2

Basic laws of general relativity (or is it special relativilty? Hell if I can ever remember!) state that the faster you go, the greater your actual mass becomes. You get tanking up toward the speed of light, your butt is suddenly quite, quite large and heavy. And on the other side of the coin, if you are morbidly obese in the tradition of the Lard Lords of Polyunsaturatartaros 19, your thunder thighs might actually stretch the fabric of space/time to such an extent that everything around you starts happening at near the speed of light, which can be annoying if you are like trying to watch TV or something. Thus, all it takes is a fairly simple mathematical operation - I am no math whiz, but I dabble a bit - to realize that if you slow things way down, the mass of your ass will decrease. Presto, blow off that deadline at work and slow things waaaaay down, and you also lose weight, effortlessly. We should state also that as you approach the speed of light time slows down, so as you slooooooooowly plod through life and shed pounds, your local time zone will also sort of accelerate relative to everyone else, but that is just the price you pay for six pack abs - or 17 pack abs, depending on your species. It could even be a bonus, like if you need payday to hurry up and arrive, or if you just can't wait to open your presents on Supernova Day morning, this weight loss system could make the big day arrive sooner.

Chic little radiation-proof visor for safe viewing of post apocalyptic blast zones

Cold Fusion Oxygen Harvesting Giant Robot

Let's face it, although cold fusion is sometimes criticized by foo-foo hippy types, we are all dependent on it as an energy source. Yes, I feel terrible and lose sleep at night that we are strip mining oxygen from low income planets and fusing the atoms together in an improbable but lucrative self sustaining perpetual energy generating cycle in blatant violation of the laws of thermodynamics, but on the other hand I like to go really fast in my gigantic spaceship! During the election last century, I was in the front row with the rest of the true believers, chanting: "Fuse, baby, fuse! Fuse, baby, fuse!"

However, in a totally unexpected and surprising turnaround, it turns out cold fusion on a wide scale can lead to some very bad things. When that giant tower robot went beserk and inhaled an entire solar system over in Pegasus 12, causing several emerging civilizations to implode upon themselves and degenerate into a quiverring, pulsating black hole shooting enormous gamma ray lasers out into space, we were all devastated. Who would have guessed something like that could happen?

The upside is that we are now selling some of the giant oxygen fusion robots on the cheap. We are pretty sure we have leveraged our extensive work in underprivledged robot philanthropy to fix the bug that sometimes leads to catastrophic planetary obliteration.

Shield System - Positron ray and Gravitron ray Resistant!

We have personally field tested this shield material (by personally, we mean our office intern, Justin, has personally tested it...) and we (Justin) found it to be totally resistant to positron beams, 80% resistant to stray gravitron radiation, and slightly impervious to random neutrinos, but that's pretty good considering neutrinos go through lead like it is wet tissue paper. Which is good, because if you get a bunch of anti-matter hurtling at you it makes a pretty big explosion if it touches any of the electrons involved in your ship's hull or, god forbid, your family jewels!

Border Patrol Robot

This snarky little droid is a super efficient bureaucrat, and a determined immigration enforcement officer. Now I myself am an alien (Hello!? I have a squid for a head!) but I am still totally against illegal aliens, and so I keep a few border patrol droids orbiting my personal domicile. Here is the typical dialogue between my border patrol droids and the unfortunate person who happens to come too close to my perimeter:

droid: Intruder! Present your identification papers!
intruder: Huh? I'm just walking to the corner store to get a pint of quark swirl...
droid: Your papers are not in order! Prepare to be incarcerated and/or incinerated!
intruder: What? Get out of my face you little turd! I don't have to carry identification papers to walk down the street!
droid: Incorrect! Under new gamma sector regulations you must carry identification papers at all times if you look in any way suspicious or if Moppo happens to dislike you, and you fulfill both criteria! Incarcerate and / or incinerate!
intruder: What is this, the Phryxigian Gulag? This can't be....ZAP!

Get yours today, and save our sub-minimum wage galactic jobs.
P.S.: You might notice that a pint of quark swirl suddenly leaps 600% in price after the illegal intruders are no longer around to do the backbreaking labor of harvesting it from the Mega-beasts.