Complex Adaptive Systems Counterbalance Manipulator

We've all been there - you are trying to do something, trying to go about your business and leave your mark on the universe, and as soon as you act, the universe starts to change. Bogus! It is like the universe is moving the goal posts. It can be if you are trying to go in a horizontal plane as you walk the plank of a pirate cruiser, and every step you take starts making the stupid plank bend downwards. Or just as bad, it can be that you place a massive short sell order of your own stock in the galactic stock exchange but suddenly once everyone notices that you are doing that, they too place sell orders, which screws up your whole scheme. Even the act of observing the location of an electron is enough to bounce the electron over into some annoying new quantum location (how many times has this inconvenient natural phenomenon messed up your milkshake mixing plans?) The point is that even the smallest thing you do can and does alter your environment and the universe as a whole. Every damn thing you do changes the playing field. Well help is on the way! We have a nifty little micro-balanced, self adjusting manipulator of complex systems that can dampen the adaptive learning power of things like swarms of duct harpies that move as if they were one superorganism. Or perhaps the fluctuation of sunspots, or the constantly fluctuating gravitational pull of rapidly moving meteors hurtling at different speeds and vectors in an asteroid field. Even - and we are not necessarily recommending this - the way dynamic way cops tend to position themselves behind certain moons and gas clouds where they know you'll be going fast. Whatever your needs, you can gain a significant edge over those pesky complex adaptive systems with this item. Have fun and fly safely!

Invincible Philosophy Processing Plant

There are only two certain things in this universe: Death and fruity cocktails with an umbrella in them. Also, that the galactic revenue service will come knocking on your door ready to take your hopes and process them into dilithium noodles via a complex process of loopholes and bureaucracy. You can put on as many crazy costumes as you want and rant and rave about how the galactic constitution actually says you should be able to do whatever the hell you want, but the galactic revenue service is unfortunately invincible. Therefore, you might as well have a fruity cocktail with an umbrella in it. But you can process your incoherent philosophies in as tasteful a manner possible. Rubbish goes in, and tasty frosty drinks with an umbrella in them come out.

If you would like to order this item, please refer to publication #256a, then look up your trousers size in our handy reference section, then divide your inseam length by 6,348 or the total from line 62, whichever is less. Then, add lines 101 through 621, and 625 through 724, and enter the result on page 17 line "W". Please note however if your birthday is in a month that starts with "Q" then go straight to section 8. If you qualify for a galactic stimulus exempted occupational hazard loan, fill in schedule X and erase what you just put on line W of section 17. Then switch page 17 with page 23 just for kicks, and add sales tax for your star system, plus ten galactic dinars shipping and handling, and factor in any crazy moppo coupons you clipped from our promotion in last month's edition of "Space Hot Rods" magazine.