The best thing EVER is to fire all your living carbon based customer service employees (so evil! love it!) and replace them with a voicemail system. You save money, and avoid having to deal with complaints as your frustrated customers get hopelessly lost in the maze of deviously recursive voicemail circuitry options. Otherwise they might ask for their money back, god forbid! Plus it is super entertaining. Just listen along with me for a minute: "Hello. Your call is important to us. Please wait for 20 minutes while listening to some shitty music...." (listens for 20 minutes) "Hello. Our circuits still seem to be busy. Press one to configure your account. Press 2 for billing inquiries. Press 3 for service interruptions information. Press 4 for automated hyperspace technical support. Press 5 for sales department. Press 6 if you already forgot what pressing "2" does. Press 7 for Spanish. Press 8 for Zubenelgenubian. To hear these options again, press #. To go back to the main menu, press *. To hear some more shitty music, remain on the line." Oh my goodness I could just about weep and cry and wet myself with laughter listening to the customers weep and curse and throw things on the other end of the line as they become half aware that none of those options actually DO anything. You can see just by the physical construction of this circuit that it is well nigh impossible to get through the algorithm, we have programmed the best circular logic and paradoxical connundrums and recursive feedback loops into the structure.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Bureaucratic Maze Voicemail Circuit
The best thing EVER is to fire all your living carbon based customer service employees (so evil! love it!) and replace them with a voicemail system. You save money, and avoid having to deal with complaints as your frustrated customers get hopelessly lost in the maze of deviously recursive voicemail circuitry options. Otherwise they might ask for their money back, god forbid! Plus it is super entertaining. Just listen along with me for a minute: "Hello. Your call is important to us. Please wait for 20 minutes while listening to some shitty music...." (listens for 20 minutes) "Hello. Our circuits still seem to be busy. Press one to configure your account. Press 2 for billing inquiries. Press 3 for service interruptions information. Press 4 for automated hyperspace technical support. Press 5 for sales department. Press 6 if you already forgot what pressing "2" does. Press 7 for Spanish. Press 8 for Zubenelgenubian. To hear these options again, press #. To go back to the main menu, press *. To hear some more shitty music, remain on the line." Oh my goodness I could just about weep and cry and wet myself with laughter listening to the customers weep and curse and throw things on the other end of the line as they become half aware that none of those options actually DO anything. You can see just by the physical construction of this circuit that it is well nigh impossible to get through the algorithm, we have programmed the best circular logic and paradoxical connundrums and recursive feedback loops into the structure.
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