Anterior Node Interlocking Transducer Weight-Loss System: m=e/c2

Basic laws of general relativity (or is it special relativilty? Hell if I can ever remember!) state that the faster you go, the greater your actual mass becomes. You get tanking up toward the speed of light, your butt is suddenly quite, quite large and heavy. And on the other side of the coin, if you are morbidly obese in the tradition of the Lard Lords of Polyunsaturatartaros 19, your thunder thighs might actually stretch the fabric of space/time to such an extent that everything around you starts happening at near the speed of light, which can be annoying if you are like trying to watch TV or something. Thus, all it takes is a fairly simple mathematical operation - I am no math whiz, but I dabble a bit - to realize that if you slow things way down, the mass of your ass will decrease. Presto, blow off that deadline at work and slow things waaaaay down, and you also lose weight, effortlessly. We should state also that as you approach the speed of light time slows down, so as you slooooooooowly plod through life and shed pounds, your local time zone will also sort of accelerate relative to everyone else, but that is just the price you pay for six pack abs - or 17 pack abs, depending on your species. It could even be a bonus, like if you need payday to hurry up and arrive, or if you just can't wait to open your presents on Supernova Day morning, this weight loss system could make the big day arrive sooner.

Chic little radiation-proof visor for safe viewing of post apocalyptic blast zones

Cold Fusion Oxygen Harvesting Giant Robot

Let's face it, although cold fusion is sometimes criticized by foo-foo hippy types, we are all dependent on it as an energy source. Yes, I feel terrible and lose sleep at night that we are strip mining oxygen from low income planets and fusing the atoms together in an improbable but lucrative self sustaining perpetual energy generating cycle in blatant violation of the laws of thermodynamics, but on the other hand I like to go really fast in my gigantic spaceship! During the election last century, I was in the front row with the rest of the true believers, chanting: "Fuse, baby, fuse! Fuse, baby, fuse!"

However, in a totally unexpected and surprising turnaround, it turns out cold fusion on a wide scale can lead to some very bad things. When that giant tower robot went beserk and inhaled an entire solar system over in Pegasus 12, causing several emerging civilizations to implode upon themselves and degenerate into a quiverring, pulsating black hole shooting enormous gamma ray lasers out into space, we were all devastated. Who would have guessed something like that could happen?

The upside is that we are now selling some of the giant oxygen fusion robots on the cheap. We are pretty sure we have leveraged our extensive work in underprivledged robot philanthropy to fix the bug that sometimes leads to catastrophic planetary obliteration.

Shield System - Positron ray and Gravitron ray Resistant!

We have personally field tested this shield material (by personally, we mean our office intern, Justin, has personally tested it...) and we (Justin) found it to be totally resistant to positron beams, 80% resistant to stray gravitron radiation, and slightly impervious to random neutrinos, but that's pretty good considering neutrinos go through lead like it is wet tissue paper. Which is good, because if you get a bunch of anti-matter hurtling at you it makes a pretty big explosion if it touches any of the electrons involved in your ship's hull or, god forbid, your family jewels!

Border Patrol Robot

This snarky little droid is a super efficient bureaucrat, and a determined immigration enforcement officer. Now I myself am an alien (Hello!? I have a squid for a head!) but I am still totally against illegal aliens, and so I keep a few border patrol droids orbiting my personal domicile. Here is the typical dialogue between my border patrol droids and the unfortunate person who happens to come too close to my perimeter:

droid: Intruder! Present your identification papers!
intruder: Huh? I'm just walking to the corner store to get a pint of quark swirl...
droid: Your papers are not in order! Prepare to be incarcerated and/or incinerated!
intruder: What? Get out of my face you little turd! I don't have to carry identification papers to walk down the street!
droid: Incorrect! Under new gamma sector regulations you must carry identification papers at all times if you look in any way suspicious or if Moppo happens to dislike you, and you fulfill both criteria! Incarcerate and / or incinerate!
intruder: What is this, the Phryxigian Gulag? This can't be....ZAP!

Get yours today, and save our sub-minimum wage galactic jobs.
P.S.: You might notice that a pint of quark swirl suddenly leaps 600% in price after the illegal intruders are no longer around to do the backbreaking labor of harvesting it from the Mega-beasts.

Complex Adaptive Systems Counterbalance Manipulator

We've all been there - you are trying to do something, trying to go about your business and leave your mark on the universe, and as soon as you act, the universe starts to change. Bogus! It is like the universe is moving the goal posts. It can be if you are trying to go in a horizontal plane as you walk the plank of a pirate cruiser, and every step you take starts making the stupid plank bend downwards. Or just as bad, it can be that you place a massive short sell order of your own stock in the galactic stock exchange but suddenly once everyone notices that you are doing that, they too place sell orders, which screws up your whole scheme. Even the act of observing the location of an electron is enough to bounce the electron over into some annoying new quantum location (how many times has this inconvenient natural phenomenon messed up your milkshake mixing plans?) The point is that even the smallest thing you do can and does alter your environment and the universe as a whole. Every damn thing you do changes the playing field. Well help is on the way! We have a nifty little micro-balanced, self adjusting manipulator of complex systems that can dampen the adaptive learning power of things like swarms of duct harpies that move as if they were one superorganism. Or perhaps the fluctuation of sunspots, or the constantly fluctuating gravitational pull of rapidly moving meteors hurtling at different speeds and vectors in an asteroid field. Even - and we are not necessarily recommending this - the way dynamic way cops tend to position themselves behind certain moons and gas clouds where they know you'll be going fast. Whatever your needs, you can gain a significant edge over those pesky complex adaptive systems with this item. Have fun and fly safely!

Invincible Philosophy Processing Plant

There are only two certain things in this universe: Death and fruity cocktails with an umbrella in them. Also, that the galactic revenue service will come knocking on your door ready to take your hopes and process them into dilithium noodles via a complex process of loopholes and bureaucracy. You can put on as many crazy costumes as you want and rant and rave about how the galactic constitution actually says you should be able to do whatever the hell you want, but the galactic revenue service is unfortunately invincible. Therefore, you might as well have a fruity cocktail with an umbrella in it. But you can process your incoherent philosophies in as tasteful a manner possible. Rubbish goes in, and tasty frosty drinks with an umbrella in them come out.

If you would like to order this item, please refer to publication #256a, then look up your trousers size in our handy reference section, then divide your inseam length by 6,348 or the total from line 62, whichever is less. Then, add lines 101 through 621, and 625 through 724, and enter the result on page 17 line "W". Please note however if your birthday is in a month that starts with "Q" then go straight to section 8. If you qualify for a galactic stimulus exempted occupational hazard loan, fill in schedule X and erase what you just put on line W of section 17. Then switch page 17 with page 23 just for kicks, and add sales tax for your star system, plus ten galactic dinars shipping and handling, and factor in any crazy moppo coupons you clipped from our promotion in last month's edition of "Space Hot Rods" magazine.