Complex Adaptive Systems Counterbalance Manipulator

We've all been there - you are trying to do something, trying to go about your business and leave your mark on the universe, and as soon as you act, the universe starts to change. Bogus! It is like the universe is moving the goal posts. It can be if you are trying to go in a horizontal plane as you walk the plank of a pirate cruiser, and every step you take starts making the stupid plank bend downwards. Or just as bad, it can be that you place a massive short sell order of your own stock in the galactic stock exchange but suddenly once everyone notices that you are doing that, they too place sell orders, which screws up your whole scheme. Even the act of observing the location of an electron is enough to bounce the electron over into some annoying new quantum location (how many times has this inconvenient natural phenomenon messed up your milkshake mixing plans?) The point is that even the smallest thing you do can and does alter your environment and the universe as a whole. Every damn thing you do changes the playing field. Well help is on the way! We have a nifty little micro-balanced, self adjusting manipulator of complex systems that can dampen the adaptive learning power of things like swarms of duct harpies that move as if they were one superorganism. Or perhaps the fluctuation of sunspots, or the constantly fluctuating gravitational pull of rapidly moving meteors hurtling at different speeds and vectors in an asteroid field. Even - and we are not necessarily recommending this - the way dynamic way cops tend to position themselves behind certain moons and gas clouds where they know you'll be going fast. Whatever your needs, you can gain a significant edge over those pesky complex adaptive systems with this item. Have fun and fly safely!

Invincible Philosophy Processing Plant

There are only two certain things in this universe: Death and fruity cocktails with an umbrella in them. Also, that the galactic revenue service will come knocking on your door ready to take your hopes and process them into dilithium noodles via a complex process of loopholes and bureaucracy. You can put on as many crazy costumes as you want and rant and rave about how the galactic constitution actually says you should be able to do whatever the hell you want, but the galactic revenue service is unfortunately invincible. Therefore, you might as well have a fruity cocktail with an umbrella in it. But you can process your incoherent philosophies in as tasteful a manner possible. Rubbish goes in, and tasty frosty drinks with an umbrella in them come out.

If you would like to order this item, please refer to publication #256a, then look up your trousers size in our handy reference section, then divide your inseam length by 6,348 or the total from line 62, whichever is less. Then, add lines 101 through 621, and 625 through 724, and enter the result on page 17 line "W". Please note however if your birthday is in a month that starts with "Q" then go straight to section 8. If you qualify for a galactic stimulus exempted occupational hazard loan, fill in schedule X and erase what you just put on line W of section 17. Then switch page 17 with page 23 just for kicks, and add sales tax for your star system, plus ten galactic dinars shipping and handling, and factor in any crazy moppo coupons you clipped from our promotion in last month's edition of "Space Hot Rods" magazine.

Obsolete Extractor Gadget

Damn, we really had a good thing going for a while there. Unfortunately, this extractor is now nearly useless, following recent legislation. Previously, it was a gold mine, since upon installation in the medical department of a spacecraft, it allowed us to extract obscene amounts of money out of healthy passengers and crew members, and we didn't have to provide ANY goods or services in return! It was great. We extracted ever increasing amounts, and provided ever decreasing amounts of illusory services. If someone got ill, we just told them to go take a flying leap at a black hole and then we laughed all the way to the bank. An amusing side effect was the ironic pain and anxiety this supposedly medical device inflicted on people - it was kind of entertaining to watch, actually. But anyway, now this gadget is simply another antiquated victim of galactic socialism, and so we will sell it to you for a crazy, crazy low price. Our craziness is practically a pre-existing condition, and now we can even receive mental help, and all of you are going to suffer because of it, when we come to our senses and start raising prices. Just you wait, you'll be sorry. Life is so UNFAIR.

Annual Results: On track for recovery!

Dear Shareholders:
What a difference a year can make! Two years ago we were living large and lighting our cigarillos with 600 dinar notes. We were throwing cash around like nobody's business. We waged a kind of successful war of choice on duct harpies, management received authrization from the shareholders to raise the debt ceiling by 467%, and we sponsored many philanthropic community outreach programs such as "Operation New Ferrari for Moppo." And who can forget the lavish parties we threw with frozen argon ice sculptures of naked classical dieties that peed high end space grog? In the past, shareholders may have noticed large entries under research and development in our financial statements, largely the result of hiring the smartest minds in the galaxy to develop the perfect space-pina-colada.

However, that was then and this is now. Now, we have changed our free spending ways and we have adopted a spartan, sanctimonious attitude of fiscal responsibility and restraint. True, the company is currently in receivership and being organized by a nerdy little dork lawyer type geek from Canopus who has never had any fun in his life, but that is kind of beside the point. Now that he is TEMPORARILY running the company, we have found it convenient to pretend that we were the wise, penny pinching, long sighted ones all along. For example: Mr. Nazi Bean Counter Dork-o proposes upgrading and renovating our databases and information management systems, which currently consist of a shoebox full of cocktail napkins with ball point pen scribbles on the backs of them. Oh really, Mr. Beancounter? WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING TO COME FROM??? Do you think new databases just grow on trees? Good gracious. Until sanity returns, I refuse to drink another Rigelian Quark Swirl on the rocks. Nothing but tea will pass my lips.

Press on, comrades, keep the faith! We shall return to filthy profitiability soon!

Clearance Sale! Dirt Cheap Accelerator Mechanism

Everything must go! Clearance sale! We are selling these accelerator pedals so cheap you won't believe it! Two for the price of one! We promise your craft will be much much faster once you install this component, so take your ride down to the racetrack and hold on tight!

Some people have been worrying about whether it is wise to have starship components so complex and involved and computerized that a stray speck of dust on the circuit board might make your cigarette lighter reach out and bite you on the derriere. I admit, I am the first to feel annoyed when I have to call a zit faced 15 year old to reprogram my window cranker circuit so I can roll the dod gam windows down. However, I don't think people should complain about going fast. Think about it: in a few highly publicized cases, a so called "defect" allowed a fairly wussy underpowered craft to achieve quite high velocities. They should be thankful!

Conceptual Engine

Just as we have eschewed the straight lines and right angles once dominant in engineering and construction for loops and whorls and fractal shapes, actual physical combustion or fission or even fusion now seem a little old fashioned. We now prefer the power of the imagination. Your imagination can take you anywhere, they told you in kindergarden, and it turns out they were right! This engine is super super powerful!

A sign of intelligence: Teleprompter Circuit

Although speaking with a teleprompter is considered by some a worse sin than rambling on like an absolute empty headed ninny, we feel it is a vital part of a starship's communications systems. Think about it: you are cruising in to the outer orbit of Penumbra Colony Number 12, when the dreaded customs officers call you up on the video conference screen. Which would you rather do, say the correct information relayed by your teleprompter, or wing it with some folksy nonsensical and grammatically challenged, off topic rant that betrays your complete lack of understanding of import tariffs in particular and basic civics in general? Go with the teleprompter. And this is the best teleprompter available, although it has the price of a rather substandard shoddy model. You know, some people say the ability to hold two apparently contradictory ideas in their mind simultaneously is a sign of deep intelligence. If you are unable to reconcile the simultaneous alleged superior quality and evident inferiority of this model, it is possible that your are stupid. Even stupider than someone who scorns teleprompters and profoundly misunderstands the meaning of the word "socialism".