Bureaucratic Maze Voicemail Circuit

The best thing EVER is to fire all your living carbon based customer service employees (so evil! love it!) and replace them with a voicemail system. You save money, and avoid having to deal with complaints as your frustrated customers get hopelessly lost in the maze of deviously recursive voicemail circuitry options. Otherwise they might ask for their money back, god forbid! Plus it is super entertaining. Just listen along with me for a minute: "Hello. Your call is important to us. Please wait for 20 minutes while listening to some shitty music...." (listens for 20 minutes) "Hello. Our circuits still seem to be busy. Press one to configure your account. Press 2 for billing inquiries. Press 3 for service interruptions information. Press 4 for automated hyperspace technical support. Press 5 for sales department. Press 6 if you already forgot what pressing "2" does. Press 7 for Spanish. Press 8 for Zubenelgenubian. To hear these options again, press #. To go back to the main menu, press *. To hear some more shitty music, remain on the line." Oh my goodness I could just about weep and cry and wet myself with laughter listening to the customers weep and curse and throw things on the other end of the line as they become half aware that none of those options actually DO anything. You can see just by the physical construction of this circuit that it is well nigh impossible to get through the algorithm, we have programmed the best circular logic and paradoxical connundrums and recursive feedback loops into the structure.

A sign of intelligence: Teleprompter Circuit

Although speaking with a teleprompter is considered by some a worse sin than rambling on like an absolute empty headed ninny, we feel it is a vital part of a starship's communications systems. Think about it: you are cruising in to the outer orbit of Penumbra Colony Number 12, when the dreaded customs officers call you up on the video conference screen. Which would you rather do, say the correct information relayed by your teleprompter, or wing it with some folksy nonsensical and grammatically challenged, off topic rant that betrays your complete lack of understanding of import tariffs in particular and basic civics in general? Go with the teleprompter. And this is the best teleprompter available, although it has the price of a rather substandard shoddy model. You know, some people say the ability to hold two apparently contradictory ideas in their mind simultaneously is a sign of deep intelligence. If you are unable to reconcile the simultaneous alleged superior quality and evident inferiority of this model, it is possible that your are stupid. Even stupider than someone who scorns teleprompters and profoundly misunderstands the meaning of the word "socialism".