Bureaucratic Maze Voicemail Circuit

The best thing EVER is to fire all your living carbon based customer service employees (so evil! love it!) and replace them with a voicemail system. You save money, and avoid having to deal with complaints as your frustrated customers get hopelessly lost in the maze of deviously recursive voicemail circuitry options. Otherwise they might ask for their money back, god forbid! Plus it is super entertaining. Just listen along with me for a minute: "Hello. Your call is important to us. Please wait for 20 minutes while listening to some shitty music...." (listens for 20 minutes) "Hello. Our circuits still seem to be busy. Press one to configure your account. Press 2 for billing inquiries. Press 3 for service interruptions information. Press 4 for automated hyperspace technical support. Press 5 for sales department. Press 6 if you already forgot what pressing "2" does. Press 7 for Spanish. Press 8 for Zubenelgenubian. To hear these options again, press #. To go back to the main menu, press *. To hear some more shitty music, remain on the line." Oh my goodness I could just about weep and cry and wet myself with laughter listening to the customers weep and curse and throw things on the other end of the line as they become half aware that none of those options actually DO anything. You can see just by the physical construction of this circuit that it is well nigh impossible to get through the algorithm, we have programmed the best circular logic and paradoxical connundrums and recursive feedback loops into the structure.

Reliable Energy Source that is really really safe until it's not

How would you like a nearly unlimited source of energy that is totally safe (until it isn't)? Would you enjoy an energy source that is more reliable than some namby pamby stop and start hippy dippy "won't melt your internal organs" energy source? How about an energy source that is really really clean 99% of the time? The other one percent of the time it happens to be exceedingly filthy and noxious, but you have to like those odds. This is not a pie in the sky dream, this technology already exists! Our engineers and physicists have figured out how it works, and to understand how something works is almost the same thing as saying it is a good idea in practice. We simply harness the natural entropy of the universe within highly localized systems. Everything is constantly tending towards decay and breakdown of order, and by magnifying this tendency in a fully enclosed, pretty much impermeable system, we can generate limitless power with this patented power plant. Just as a sort of academic thought experiment, I guess we should point out that if the impregnable impermeable impenetrable force field around the closed system were to ever get permeated, penetrated and/or impregnated, the highly focused entropy field would cause you and everything around you to decay at an alarmingly rapid rate, triggering a horrid chain reaction across most of your solar system unleashing a horrific cascade of decomposition and simplification that would be akin to armageddon. But try not to think about it because what could go wrong?

Glyphs and Symbols: A sampling of the baffling urban informational scrawl of the galaxy

What in the name of Blurj can they all mean? Primitive pictograms used for shamanistic spiritual purposes, or sophisticated informational graphs??

Ary You Angry? Vote for Grom the Eviscerator!

Are you mad as hell? I am. I'm mad as hell! Not quite sure why, but I'm angry and I'm not going to take it any more. I'm tired of seeing my rights trampled. Which rights? Who the heck knows, but I hate seeing them trampled by tyrrany! I'm angry! I said I'm angry! Well we don't have to take it any more. Please join me in voting for Grom the Eviscerator (markXXIV) to represent Gamma sector district 12 in the galactic senate. Unlike organic life forms, Grom the Eviscerator knows how to cut taxes. Grom cuts well. He cuts VERY well. He is against government interference in our lives. He ain't into all them regulations, he just digs a damn trench wherever he feels like it. He doesn't think for himself, he is a ruthless, soulless automaton who pursues his vague, one dimensional agenda with dogged single minded determination. His valuable business experience will help him bring a folksy, common sense approach to running the government as if it were strip mine. Let's take back our rights by bowing down before Grom the mighty - before tyrrany gets totally out of control. Also, Grom may have dabbled with witchcraft in the past, and that business with the performance enhancing high octane substance abuse is all behind him.

-"I am Grom the Eviscerator Mark XXIV, and I approved this message. Grom cut. Grom strip mine. Grom eviscerate. Me Grom. Vote Grom, or DIE, carbon based scum."

Paid for by Aliens for Freedom and Morality.

Informational Channelling Conduit Tube to the Subconscious

The whole universe is made up of three components: Matter, energy, and information. Matter and energy are kind of boring if you ask me, the information is where it is at. Once you go in the tunnel that disconnects your sensory experience from the shackles of matter, all kinds of cool things happen. Ironically, you can also warp and manipulate matter through the clever utilization of information. For instance, the last time I re-channelled the master information flow, I descended below the surface of "normal" experience, and became someone else for a while. Dressed in the Denebian stockbroker's traditional garb complete with neck choker, I cruised along the sub-information tubes while reading the Daily Torpidgraph, and blended right in. When I resurfaced from the complex matrix of bent information - information split like a prism splits light into many colors - I was in fact in a totally new physical location, as if I had travelled physically through and under matter and the material world. And I was still in disguise. Informational manipulation makes almost anything possible. Usually the information is pre-set in our subconscious, you just need a tube to retrieve it and re-direct its flow. Warning: Some people find descending into the subconscious and the flowing information under the surface extremely unpleasant. Use Caution!

Groupon Sizzling Barometric Processing Chamber

This will compress the abstracted energy, information, and matter that emerges as a by-product of the irrational activities and violations of physical reality intrinsic in modern deep space navigation, which can be quite hazardous as they result in emissions of sizzling groupons. You must compress these abstractions according to Galactic Department of Hygeine code section 298w.01.75a, and keep a logbook of each compression.