Annual Results: On track for recovery!

Dear Shareholders:
What a difference a year can make! Two years ago we were living large and lighting our cigarillos with 600 dinar notes. We were throwing cash around like nobody's business. We waged a kind of successful war of choice on duct harpies, management received authrization from the shareholders to raise the debt ceiling by 467%, and we sponsored many philanthropic community outreach programs such as "Operation New Ferrari for Moppo." And who can forget the lavish parties we threw with frozen argon ice sculptures of naked classical dieties that peed high end space grog? In the past, shareholders may have noticed large entries under research and development in our financial statements, largely the result of hiring the smartest minds in the galaxy to develop the perfect space-pina-colada.

However, that was then and this is now. Now, we have changed our free spending ways and we have adopted a spartan, sanctimonious attitude of fiscal responsibility and restraint. True, the company is currently in receivership and being organized by a nerdy little dork lawyer type geek from Canopus who has never had any fun in his life, but that is kind of beside the point. Now that he is TEMPORARILY running the company, we have found it convenient to pretend that we were the wise, penny pinching, long sighted ones all along. For example: Mr. Nazi Bean Counter Dork-o proposes upgrading and renovating our databases and information management systems, which currently consist of a shoebox full of cocktail napkins with ball point pen scribbles on the backs of them. Oh really, Mr. Beancounter? WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING TO COME FROM??? Do you think new databases just grow on trees? Good gracious. Until sanity returns, I refuse to drink another Rigelian Quark Swirl on the rocks. Nothing but tea will pass my lips.

Press on, comrades, keep the faith! We shall return to filthy profitiability soon!

Clearance Sale! Dirt Cheap Accelerator Mechanism

Everything must go! Clearance sale! We are selling these accelerator pedals so cheap you won't believe it! Two for the price of one! We promise your craft will be much much faster once you install this component, so take your ride down to the racetrack and hold on tight!

Some people have been worrying about whether it is wise to have starship components so complex and involved and computerized that a stray speck of dust on the circuit board might make your cigarette lighter reach out and bite you on the derriere. I admit, I am the first to feel annoyed when I have to call a zit faced 15 year old to reprogram my window cranker circuit so I can roll the dod gam windows down. However, I don't think people should complain about going fast. Think about it: in a few highly publicized cases, a so called "defect" allowed a fairly wussy underpowered craft to achieve quite high velocities. They should be thankful!

Conceptual Engine

Just as we have eschewed the straight lines and right angles once dominant in engineering and construction for loops and whorls and fractal shapes, actual physical combustion or fission or even fusion now seem a little old fashioned. We now prefer the power of the imagination. Your imagination can take you anywhere, they told you in kindergarden, and it turns out they were right! This engine is super super powerful!

A sign of intelligence: Teleprompter Circuit

Although speaking with a teleprompter is considered by some a worse sin than rambling on like an absolute empty headed ninny, we feel it is a vital part of a starship's communications systems. Think about it: you are cruising in to the outer orbit of Penumbra Colony Number 12, when the dreaded customs officers call you up on the video conference screen. Which would you rather do, say the correct information relayed by your teleprompter, or wing it with some folksy nonsensical and grammatically challenged, off topic rant that betrays your complete lack of understanding of import tariffs in particular and basic civics in general? Go with the teleprompter. And this is the best teleprompter available, although it has the price of a rather substandard shoddy model. You know, some people say the ability to hold two apparently contradictory ideas in their mind simultaneously is a sign of deep intelligence. If you are unable to reconcile the simultaneous alleged superior quality and evident inferiority of this model, it is possible that your are stupid. Even stupider than someone who scorns teleprompters and profoundly misunderstands the meaning of the word "socialism".

Custom Craftsman Built Personal transport

This truly was designed and assembled by an authentic 4 year old craftsman, who obviously had a great interest in this kind of transportation.

Beach Bummin' around the Engine Room: Argon Supercollider Vapor Exhaust Pipe

Whether your craft is a pleasure yacht, or a grimy deep space freighter, you should have a little fun on board. Thus our well known line of chilled beverage makers, and our endorsement of the general Beach Bum lifestyle. We're thinking of starting our own fashion line. Crank up some Rasalhagian Reggae and kick back, for you are cruisin'. But anyways. Here is the best Argon Supercollider Vapor Exhaust pipe on the market. Just because something is heavy industrial machinery does not mean it can't be FUN! For example, if you were so inclined you could utilize the rapid decompression of Argon neutrino effluvent to chill your beverages of choice (don't put the beverages any closer than 3 meters away from the manifold, or it will freeze so hard that it will actually increase in mass - like I don't mean just expanding the volume, I mean actual new matter and atoms will be drawn out of the void - that's what I call COLD). Likewise, during Argon suction and compression, excess radiative heat could conceivably be used to grill waffles? Have some fun with your ship, the glass is always half full at Crazy Moppo's.

Oleaceous Shadow Spiders from Mars

If kept far away from the subconscious minds of organic lifeforms on board your ship (where they can wreak havoc), these shadow spiders often keep the rudder post and the imaginary warp drive ball bearings well lubricated, just by skittering around on their own. Some astronomers experiment with using the fractal dimensions of the shadow spiders to chart complex deep space courses, but naturally not everybody is comfortable hurtling through an asteroid field at Mach 900 with only the self similar re-iterated patterns of some hideous oily ethereal arachnid to guide and comfort you, but the mathematicians are quite certain that this form of navigation is the most powerful and flexible available. Plus they keep shadow mosquitoes, parallel universe midges, and anti-matter flies down.