Ary You Angry? Vote for Grom the Eviscerator!

Are you mad as hell? I am. I'm mad as hell! Not quite sure why, but I'm angry and I'm not going to take it any more. I'm tired of seeing my rights trampled. Which rights? Who the heck knows, but I hate seeing them trampled by tyrrany! I'm angry! I said I'm angry! Well we don't have to take it any more. Please join me in voting for Grom the Eviscerator (markXXIV) to represent Gamma sector district 12 in the galactic senate. Unlike organic life forms, Grom the Eviscerator knows how to cut taxes. Grom cuts well. He cuts VERY well. He is against government interference in our lives. He ain't into all them regulations, he just digs a damn trench wherever he feels like it. He doesn't think for himself, he is a ruthless, soulless automaton who pursues his vague, one dimensional agenda with dogged single minded determination. His valuable business experience will help him bring a folksy, common sense approach to running the government as if it were strip mine. Let's take back our rights by bowing down before Grom the mighty - before tyrrany gets totally out of control. Also, Grom may have dabbled with witchcraft in the past, and that business with the performance enhancing high octane substance abuse is all behind him.

-"I am Grom the Eviscerator Mark XXIV, and I approved this message. Grom cut. Grom strip mine. Grom eviscerate. Me Grom. Vote Grom, or DIE, carbon based scum."

Paid for by Aliens for Freedom and Morality.

Informational Channelling Conduit Tube to the Subconscious

The whole universe is made up of three components: Matter, energy, and information. Matter and energy are kind of boring if you ask me, the information is where it is at. Once you go in the tunnel that disconnects your sensory experience from the shackles of matter, all kinds of cool things happen. Ironically, you can also warp and manipulate matter through the clever utilization of information. For instance, the last time I re-channelled the master information flow, I descended below the surface of "normal" experience, and became someone else for a while. Dressed in the Denebian stockbroker's traditional garb complete with neck choker, I cruised along the sub-information tubes while reading the Daily Torpidgraph, and blended right in. When I resurfaced from the complex matrix of bent information - information split like a prism splits light into many colors - I was in fact in a totally new physical location, as if I had travelled physically through and under matter and the material world. And I was still in disguise. Informational manipulation makes almost anything possible. Usually the information is pre-set in our subconscious, you just need a tube to retrieve it and re-direct its flow. Warning: Some people find descending into the subconscious and the flowing information under the surface extremely unpleasant. Use Caution!

Groupon Sizzling Barometric Processing Chamber

This will compress the abstracted energy, information, and matter that emerges as a by-product of the irrational activities and violations of physical reality intrinsic in modern deep space navigation, which can be quite hazardous as they result in emissions of sizzling groupons. You must compress these abstractions according to Galactic Department of Hygeine code section 298w.01.75a, and keep a logbook of each compression.

See no evil, hear no evil, blurg no evil: Genetic algorithm user interface

Programming an uber-computer to complete a specific task is SOOOO last millenium. You should let the computer evolve its own solution to your problem by selecting the ten least lame solutions out of ten thousand, then propagating each of those via random code recombinations and "mutations" until you get a good program. Meanwhile, you can be kicking back having a quark swirl on the rocks. The user interface for this process can be tricky, and we have found that if there are three cheeky robot faces that talk back at you, you can guage how the program is evolving based on how the robot head personalities develop. It is an abstract but entertaining interface.

Anterior Node Interlocking Transducer Weight-Loss System: m=e/c2

Basic laws of general relativity (or is it special relativilty? Hell if I can ever remember!) state that the faster you go, the greater your actual mass becomes. You get tanking up toward the speed of light, your butt is suddenly quite, quite large and heavy. And on the other side of the coin, if you are morbidly obese in the tradition of the Lard Lords of Polyunsaturatartaros 19, your thunder thighs might actually stretch the fabric of space/time to such an extent that everything around you starts happening at near the speed of light, which can be annoying if you are like trying to watch TV or something. Thus, all it takes is a fairly simple mathematical operation - I am no math whiz, but I dabble a bit - to realize that if you slow things way down, the mass of your ass will decrease. Presto, blow off that deadline at work and slow things waaaaay down, and you also lose weight, effortlessly. We should state also that as you approach the speed of light time slows down, so as you slooooooooowly plod through life and shed pounds, your local time zone will also sort of accelerate relative to everyone else, but that is just the price you pay for six pack abs - or 17 pack abs, depending on your species. It could even be a bonus, like if you need payday to hurry up and arrive, or if you just can't wait to open your presents on Supernova Day morning, this weight loss system could make the big day arrive sooner.

Chic little radiation-proof visor for safe viewing of post apocalyptic blast zones